i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY i hate not being at home for CNY

i wish that i can go to my grandma's with dad and lil sis
the way she loves us,
you can just feel it coming out from her every being
when i called her this morning,
she kept saying:
"it's ok, no need to come so far away just to see me.
your picture is already enough for me."
yet i know that she misses us a lot
my aunts told me that every CNY,
she usually wakes up very early in the morning,
and waited all day long, for us to call her
she would wait and wait and wait
and yet i remember times when i didn't call
thinking, ah i'll do it a bit later, a bit later, after school, oh after i finish eating etc etc
and then i end up not calling because it's already late over there

when i went to see her a month ago
she would stay up just to be able to stay with me in the afternoon
and she said that she would cry at nights because she thought i had gone home without saying goodbye to her
oh how she has become so sensitive these days
she keeps a picture of me and my sister, from the time when I was maybe 3 yo
she called to apologize for not being able to attend the engagement party, because of her health condition
she shed a tear when i showed her our pictures, insisting that she's not crying but that her eyes are hurting
she doesn't want to be helped, refusing people who offer to carry her
because she doesn't want to look weak and ill in front of me


ooh the agony
i wish i was more a part of her life throughout the years
:'(

i told her that though she's far, she's always in my mind
i guess it was not easy for us to say or hear these words,
how we're so used to hide our feelings away
yet, our action tells it all
if only we stop pretending and just try to understand
i hope she knows that i meant every word
i'm sorry for not being there