baby boo

so, what's up?
well, i am expecting a baby - that's what :)
still a surreal feeling but all in all mommy and daddy are very happy and excited to meet baby!

i am now in my 13th weeks, and the baby is 5.33 cm in length
such a tiny little cre is inside me!

sejak sekitar minggu ke 7, it hasn't exactly been easy
im not writing this to complain, but just wanted to record things so i can reflect back afterwards
gejala-gejala ya seperti normalnya ibu hamil lah, cuma mungkin in a different level than most moms
extreme nausea, headache, super duper sensi sama bebauan (makanan, sabun, sampe heater pun ada baunya.. sigh..)
eating pun sudah menjadi momok, struggle banget. plus it has been hard to keep food in
jadi ritual makan udah susah payah, dibarengi otot-otot mulut dan perut rasanya kenceng banget maksain makan, and pas pada akhirnya toh semua keluar lagi, rasanya sedih dan nelangsa banget.
i think the hardest part of this process is to keep my emotion stable and sane.
nangis-nangis, menutup diri dari sekitar (self-protection dari komentar apapun yang terasa nyinyir dari orang-orang yang mungkin sebenernya bertujuan mulia dan ingin membantu..), physically and emotionally drained deh. awal-awal berat banget, i really didn't think i can survive :(

then i read a couple of articles regarding Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG)
ternyata ada mommies out there yang mengalami rough times during pregnancy too!
i used to be so so sad and envious of all those pregnancy articles yang so cheerful, dimana pregnancy seems to be something so easy and active, while i can barely stand and normally function
sampe sempat vacuum menutup diri juga dari baca anything baby/pregnancy related..
physically, my symptoms are not as bad as some mommies yang mengalami HG itu, which btw I am not by any means mau menyombongkan diri or apa lah buat menyakiti hati orang. I really salute those moms! This is not easy and I hope anyone who reads this know that I am sincerely sending hugs and prayers to you when things don't go as smooth during pregnancy.
but anyway, emotionally, i can so so totally relate to what the articles described. "guilt, frustration, fear, and depression feelings are normal" for the first time, i felt like i was not alone and that it is ok to feel what i feel.

things are a bit better now. i am still physically still hammered day in day out, but i am slowly getting my positivity back
one big thing that really helps me is praying. i feel bad for praying more only when i need help, but my God never hold grudges and He has been very kind to me. semua tidak ada yang tidak mungkin bersama Tuhan, I am surrendering completely to His grace.
I am starting to open up to friends and family.
a few days ago, 2 of my girlfriends came suddenly after work just to see me, and i was so happy :)
talking to my sister has been a great help too
she always seem to know what to say to calm me down.
i messaged her today, saying that i just cried watching justin bieber on tv (don't ask, i dont know why)
she joked around, that this is even worse than her friend who cried watching some safari show on the National Geo channel
but then she said, you must feel like sh*t ya, hang in there, this too shall pass
and i just cried even more *sobs*
i think she hits the nail in the head, i can blame the hormones, but maybe that's why i cried
i am just very emotional and tired
and as my manager said: crying is good, it relieves (bless his kind heart)
it really does.
i am so thankful for having these people around me who let me cry when i need to
who doesn't just say be strong be strong don't cry you can't be like this for the baby
i care about this baby a lot, and i believe he/she will be good, happy and healthy, but i might not be able to be brave every single time. but i try. as long as i try always, we will be fine.

so here i am, working and trying to regain myself
to recover,
but also to surrender
because i believe everything will be ok at the end

"bayangin coba kamu sedang terombang ambing arus sungai yang deras, dan kamu berusaha keras melawan tapi tidak berdaya. berusaha berenang sekuat tenaga, tapi kamu tidak bisa menang. instead, relakan dan biarkan dirimu dibawa arus itu. kamu akan kemudian menyadari bahhwa kamu akan dibawa ke arus sungai yang lebih tenang dan akhirnya sampai di tepian."

there are better days ahead for me. tetap semangat! :)